Journal Archive

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Spring 2008 Journal

With spring comes the celebration of new life… unless you're unfortunate enough to be part of a species being "managed" by humans. This spring, the Toronto Zoo saw fit to euthenize two healthy, newborn reindeer, males, and thus undesirable additions to the herd. Some of the zookeepers were revolted enough to blow the whistle. In the wake of a public outcry, the zoo has instead found a new home for three more male reindeer at the Bowmanville Zoo.

Winter 2008 Journal

Last fall, and without much thought, I found myself buying a train ticket to the east coast to spend the holidays with friends. Christmas 2007 was the first Christmas I'd ever spent without my parents. I wasn't sure what to expect. A complete change of scenery seemed like a good idea.

Fall 2007 Journal

Although perhaps more Luddite than some, I'm also more technically savvy than others. I'm part of that awkward in-between generation that didn't grow up with much technology, but was introduced to it at an early enough age to be able to integrate it into an understanding of the world and the way things work. As such, I may be a bit reluctant to embrace new technologies, but sometimes also pleasantly wowed.

Summer 2007 Journal

Two years ago, I was wading through a difficult summer of parental illness. This summer, I am doing the same. September will mark the second anniversary of my Dad's passing. Two years is not a great temporal distance from such an event and I'm still keenly aware of the loss of his presence. Yesterday, someone mentioned a date and I burst into tears. It was the date of my father's birthday. Such are the irrational reactions of the heart in grief.

Spring 2007 Journal

One of the classic spring activities for Canadians is the traditional opening of the cottage. This usually takes place on the 24th of May weekend (with the traditional closing date being Labour Day). Depending on the cottage, it's age, how well it's protected and sealed from the elements and other natural infestations, opening can take more or less time, but one generally hopes to accomplish cottage opening efficiently so the remainder of the weekend can be enjoyed lying in the sun sipping beer or some other (usually alcoholic) beverage.

Winter 2007 Journal

Winter has been slow coming to Ontario this year. So slow, that although I prefer the sun and the warmth, I was beginning to feel somewhat deprived that winter still hadn't arrived by January. In a fit of what could only be described as Canadian winter angst, I booked a ticket to somewhere I'd never actually visited, somewhere more likely to be experiencing some semblance of winter than Toronto.

Fall 2006 Journal

We live in a time of super-sized snacks and downsized businesses, of microchips and macro-pollution, of corporate buyouts and televised natural disasters. A time in which the prescription and consumption of anti-depressants is running riot, when people have to pop pills to make it through another day of existence. We get caught up in the time turmoil of speed, unable to fully recognize, acknowledge or accept our human frailties. The 1950s concept that technology would reduce our working day, freeing more time for leisure, has failed to materialize; instead, we're expected to keep up with the machine, be it computer, cell phone, BlackBerry (or BlueBerry as I keep calling them) or whatever. We just can't get away from it. We're at work 24/7, caught in a state of high anxiety, fight-or-flight adrenaline high, until the body can take no more and crashes into a neurochemically induced depression in an attempt to get some downtime. The human nervous system just isn't designed to work this way, always in a state of high output, the switch jammed in the "on" position. Sooner or later, something's got to give.

Summer 2006 Journal

It's been a year since my last journal update. Where to start? As was apparent from my last entry, my Dad was failing. And yes, he did die, just after midnight on September 7th, 2005, after a lengthy, but painless, period of decline. There was nothing more that could be done medically and he communicated in many ways that he was ready to go, in fact, almost impatient the last few days.

May & June Journal

Having an elderly parent who isn't well completely redefines the concept of mood swings. One minute day you're in a state of quiet elation because the doctor's delivered good news; the next you're stifling grief because your own observations lead you to realize that what the doctor's really saying is that this is as good as it gets, that really they're just running out of things to offer, that this weakened shell is all that's left of my Dad and that's the new reality. The scariest thing to watch is his disconnection from basic biological functions; he doesn't seem to register hunger or thirst, seems unaware that he's lethargic and sleeps most of the time. When asked how he is, he invariably answers, "Fine," which is good, I'm glad he feels fine, except he so obviously isn't fine. Maybe the brain gently lulls us closer to shutdown to reduce fear.

March & April Journal

The last few months I've done some interesting research and development, a bit of living my life as the experiment it is. After years of bruxism (grinding my teeth in my sleep) and finally cracking a molar, I decided that perhaps it was time I did something about it. The best my dentist could offer was a mouth guard, but that seemed like a bandage solution to me, not really getting to the root cause of the issue. I'd been seeing an osteopath for a year and when problems in my jaw/neck region continued to plague me, she said, "This isn't something physical; it's a physical manifestation of something else." I did intensive psychotherapy a few years ago and came to terms with a number of psycho-emotional issues and in my osteopath, I'd finally found the right person to fix my body, resolving a number of physical problems. What was left? The subconscious.

January & February 2005

A couple of years ago, I remember becoming quite aware of the erosion of the middle-class, how the populace was rapidly dividing into haves and have-nots with not much in between. As that's where I've generally resided, it was quite startling to realize that, as an artist in a society where artists are undervalued, I was rapidly sinking into the class of have-nots. Although I continue to struggle with this, things have been improving and so perhaps I've become a little less conscious of this division.

November & December 2004

Ah yes. Once again 'tis the season for copious consumption, conspicuous overindulgence, capacious extremity in all things. We are, after all, a consumer society. We live to spend money, exist to make enough to pay off the post-celebratory bills.

September & October 2004

I need to edit my apartment. I've decided that's the most productive way I can think of it. And it's not a light copy edit, the clean, easy, do-as-I-go edit of The Obsessions of Yoyo Zaza; it's the taxing, arduous, slash-and-burn edit of Swimming in the Ocean. Too much material, awkwardly compiled over too long a period. An editing nightmare.

July & August 2004

Some time ago, I purchased tickets for my now annual jaunt to the Shaw Festival in Niagara-on-the-Lake. After a difficult winter, I was really looking forward to the time out, the time away, then it was suddenly upon me! This week, I took a well-earned break and am feeling much better for it.

May & June 2004

If you’re not interested in cats, or at least in pets, I suggest you stop reading now.

As some of you know, I’m a cat person. In my entire life, I think I’ve been sans feline company for a total of about three months. I’m the kind of person that while I’m walking along the street, cats will trot out to greet me. On occasion, they’ve sought me out when in need and I’ve rescued a few from short brutish feral lives.

March & April 2004

I don't know about you, but for me, it's been a difficult winter. The past few months have been full of heavy psycho-emotional challenges, severe enough that at times they've led to physical and financial challenges. Not a fun time. I'm very relieved to see signs of spring.

January & February 2004

A few days after Christmas, I made the trudge to the grocery store to restock essentials. Halfway there, I heard a man shout, “Somebody call the police!” As I continued down the block, I saw four men beside the church, two standing, arms crossed, while two others scuffled on the sidewalk. Again, the cry, “Somebody call the police!” came from one of the men on the ground. I quickened my pace, mentally locating the closest pay phone. As I came closer, that I realized the two large men watching wore badges on their vests and were store security, that of the two on the ground, the one on top, the one using excessive force, was plainclothes security, and that the man I couldn’t see clearly, the one whose face was being pushed into the concrete, the one yelling for the police, was presumably a shoplifter.

November & December 2003

I’m writing this as the Santa Claus Parade is going by a block away. I can hear Mums and Dads hooting their horns as they jockey for parking positions. It would seem the holiday season is almost upon us. Not sure how that happened. This year seems to have passed exceedingly quickly. Yet, at the same time, it’s been a year of major upheavals and catastrophes, so in some respects, it’ll be a good year to have over and done with. Time to start making holiday plans, baking and perhaps buying gifts for friends and family. Looking for a good book? Here are some of my recent finds.

September & October 2003

Ten Ways Cats Age More Gracefully Than Humans

(In no particular order and in no way claiming to be a definitive list.)

Being quadrupedal, rather than bipedal, cats are much less likely to trip, stumble, fall down and not get up again, break something.
While people are often aware that they’re slowing down, physically or mentally or both, cats are not conscious of this. Mice may move faster, but cats definitely don’t slow down – they’re just being their usual cool selves...

August 2003

As hoped, I have taken time off this summer to do some different things. Nothing major, just a day here or there.

June & July 2003

It’s all about balance, one of those things in which there can be an enormous gap between theory and practice, between intellectual understanding and living it. And being someone with a natural tendency to obsess on intricate and specific things for long periods of time (‘tis the nature of writers and editors) sometimes that balance can get radically off-kilter. Don’t worry, I’m working on it.

April & May 2003

This year, April seems to be full of death. Here in Toronto, the SARS outbreak is causing anxiety. People are dying from it, at a lower rate than first feared, but still, each individual is a person likely to be missed. Statistics don’t reflect true loss.

March 2003

After much deliberation and research, I'm taking the train to New Brunswick for the mini-tour this month. It's a long train ride, twenty-four hours, but I've decided to splurge and get a single room for the overnight portion of the trip between Montréal and Moncton. I haven't been on a sleeper car since I was a kid, so I'm sure it'll be an adventure. Some people have expressed surprise that I'm not flying, given the time and distance. I find that, especially since 9/11, the cost, inconvenience and stress of flying has turned me even more against it.

January/February 2003

Well, now that the blush is off the New Year, how are those Resolutions holding up? I’m quite pleased with myself so far. When I went through last year’s list (which I keep in the back of my daybook as a reminder) I discovered I had succeeded in accomplishing a few consistently enough that they didn’t need to be rewritten onto this year’s list. And I actually started a number of this year’s in September, so they were well entrenched by January 1st. I find that starting resolutions at a time other than the artificially delineated New Year takes some of the pressure off. If you’re having trouble, remember that there are many other New Years on the calendar, so you can start a New Year’s Resolution, or bolster your commitment to existing ones, at many times throughout the year.

December 2002

I don't subscribe to any newspapers because I know most of them would just pile up in the corner unread, however, I do occasionally read newspapers that make themselves available to me. I recently started reading an article about writers, novelists specifically, young novelists to be even more precise and was quite annoyed with the journalist's assertion that young novelists don't read books. I was so annoyed that I closed the paper and moved on to something else. But this comment has been wedged in my back brain ever since. Why so defensive? Firstly, because I think it's irresponsible to make such sweeping generalizations in a public forum; secondly, because I don't think it's true; and thirdly, because as novelists go, I'm young and I read!

October/November 2002

Thanksgiving. The unmerciful lineup at the bus terminal to go home. The line for tickets snakes back and forth between red ribbons seven times before heading straight through the terminal toward the far windows. Of the ten wickets, only five are open. For twenty minutes I wait, shifting forward at irregular intervals, finally purchasing my ticket with two minutes to spare before departure. The lineup for the bus extends past the lineup area, across the bus lane, along the far wall and almost out of the terminal altogether.

September 2002

There's this thing I like to do in the summer and fall and I recognize that it's increasingly regarded as esoteric behaviour. I can fruits, pickle vegetables, make jam, so that in February, when the only fruits and vegetables available are either past their best or transported from halfway around the world at exorbitant cost, I can still enjoy the flavour of the previous summer's local, tree-ripened harvest.

August 2002

In the course of my tour, I had to find my way around several cities,and(as a budget-conscious writer) that usually meant acquainting myself with the transit system. Toronto, New York and Chicago all have good systems, but each has its own idiosyncrasies and takes some understanding to navigate.

July 2002

As promised, this month's journal is an exploration of the polar opposites (figuratively, not geographically) of Picton and New York City. Why would I consider such an odd juxtaposition? Because those were the two places my reading tour took me in June (as well as home in Toronto, of course).

June 2002

May was a month of travel as the Swimming in the Ocean tour began. My first reading from the new book was in Peterborough (my old hometown), then I read in Ottawa (where I lived for a couple of years), Montréal and Kingston. Travel tends to adjust my perspective in a unique way. New environments enable me to see things I wouldn’t notice otherwise.